August 8, 2003

Tonight I put the three horses other than Harley, outside the flat pad area. Doc hasn't been "stuck" outside the flat pad before, though he has had the option of being out there. My intention was to work with Harley--specifically to fit him with a saddle pad that I bought to see if it would result in a good fit with a saddle I am not sure about. I wanted to tack him up and ride him a bit around the pad.

Silly me. Doc, having never really looked much beyond his downhill small enclosure, and now finding himself with a long open stretch where Harley and Dodger have made a long path from galloping through the forest, took off! He ran out and back traversing across almost the full length of the downhill pasture three or four times, bucking and kicking up his heels! I was totally surprised as he had seemed somewhat sore to me...a bit stiff and cranky, though earlier he had also been unusually affectionate with me.

He also climbed up the steep embankment that hubby had hoped NONE of the horses would climb...He wanted to see what we were doing on the pad, I think! I was concerned, of course, as I saw just how much he was using those joints that he has had surgery on! I instantly shot up an arrow prayer asking for protection and continued healing and no pain!

So, I guess Doc was filled with a bit of spit and vinegar tonight. I am willing to bet that it has been a LONG time since he CHOSE to run like that.

In fact, with as fast as he went, my husband who had previously eagerly claimed Doc as his own, indicated that he may have to reconsider...his comment was "There is a lot of horse power in that horse!" He concluded by saying to me, "You and Doc may be perfectly suited for one another once he is all healed up!" LOL!

Tonight he truly behaved as a 5 year old. Wow. I was concerned he would blow a gasket he was so excited!!! He is now safely in his smaller flat pad enclosure with Breezy to boss around, groom, and be groomed by.

What joy I feel as I see what I saw tonight...my dream come true... to see him have a life as a youngster! THANK YOU LORD!

August 12, 2003

Doc has been tearing up the hillside forest this afternoon. I put he and Breezy down below so I could work with Harley and Dodger. Then I let everyone get settled by offering hay. Doc decided he had better things to do than eat. He galloped through the forest, crashing through the brush. He bucked and kicked once again. But he wasn't happy with that. He went almost all the way down...the other horses have been too timid or something to do that. He headed straight down and then traversed the hillside again...back and forth, as happy as could be. Whew. I know he will be sore, but this time I don't think I will give him the bute. I will play that by ear, but I want to see how much activity he engages in following that frolic. He has access to the hillside tonight...and we will see how that goes. If he needs the exercise I want him to be able to do it. I only wish he and Harley could both have access to all of it. In time, I am sure they will be together. But not now.

Additionally, I worked with Doc earlier in the day. "Working with" Doc means something different than it does with the other horses, but we are working on head lowering on cue and lateral flexion of his neck both directions in response to a cue. Backing up in response to a cue, basically doing all these things to reinforce giving to pressure. I trust and hope that it will transfer to a relationship in the saddle in the future. He did great with all of it. I then led him up out of the pasture up by the house...the farthest he has been from his friends. They were out of sight. Even when I trailered him to the vets he could see them until he loaded. I grained him and brushed him some up by the house and then led him back. His leading is going much better. Instead of bracing he led really nicely.

I am antsie, of course, to have our four month check up. That seems so ridiculous. But I want to be cleared for light riding with him. That may be a year out, though. In the meantime, I am trying to get a trainer to help with Dodger and Harley. If I find someone that has a good philosophy that I appreciate and dovetail with nicely, he/she will have a chance to help me with Doc, too, when it is time.

All for now. Thanks, as always for your prayers. Please pray that Doc won't be too sore...and that he won't eat the oak trees! He seems to like the bark on the oaks!

October 17, 2003

The horses and I have been working with THE MOST AWESOME natural horsemanship trainer. She trains ME...truly. Her name is GAIL IVEY. She comes twice a week now (hubs is so impressed with her that he was willing to spring for more than one session a week for a little while) and we play with one of the horses and then she helps me hash out how I can apply what we have done with one horse to the others, taking into account their unique personalities and how they will respond. It has been fascinating. I have developed a love for this lady and a respect that is very deep. In spite of the harsh lessons with regard to trusting "horse people" that I have had over the past 9 months, I have chosen to trust her implicitly. I am very cautious now, having been deeply wounded and ripped off big time by those in the horse world we trusted. I think you all know the story. Gail is worthy of my trust nevertheless.

Anyhow, after a great session with Dodger on Tuesday, earlier this week, I asked Gail, if she would have a look at Doc and tell me what she thinks...pain-wise, outlook wise, if we should go forward with the exrays...what...just her thoughts. First, I was thrilled that Doc led so well for me as we were coming up to the pad from his preferred hang out down below. He has really braced for me when being led--pain related? I don't know. It could be trust, too. I haven't blamed him, but it really isn't ok--for his safety and mine, as well as the vet, farrier and so forth. He needs to learn with me some basics like the others...like not running over the top of people and leading up ok. So, with a little cueing, reminding him that I am not allowing the bracing any more, he was right with me. I was very proud of our big boy.

Gail looked him over, felt him and also answered some questions I had about his conformation. I asked about chiropractic for him--she suggested waiting a while.

She was noncommittal about a suggestion about having the ex-rays or not, but one thing she WAS definitive about. Keep in mind we have hired her to help the four of us in our family get on the trail on the horses we have bought. She knows that and it is ever before her. She has stated to hubby and me that she wants to be confident of two things: 1.) our safety and 2.) our fun and that her goals are for those things to happen. She is cognizant that this hasn't been fun for us...that our hearts have been broken and we are hoping to see some of that turn around.

Anyhow, all that to say...she then was dead serious and said, "If you are looking for the four of you to be on a trail together, you had either better start considering getting horse number five..." "...or consider finding another home for Doc so you can get a different horse number 4." She explained that Doc is not likely to ever be a horse for us on the trails--plain and simple. She said that it is possible and that would be great, but that if we hang our hat on that hope, we will continue in disappointment, like as not. She said if it was about what was best just for me, she wouldn't even think twice about stating to keep holding out hope, but since it has to be best for our entire family...she doesn't see that holding out hope for trail riding with Doc as #4 really is a good thing to have any emotional investment in.

Now that may sound very discouraging. It is, of course, on the one hand.

On the other...it is actually very freeing. We are committed to seeing this through with Doc, as long as we can (he eats even MORE now that the weather has gotten cooler!). So we won't be sending him to a new home any time soon.

The thing about Gail giving us her opinion, insight and general gut feeling is...we now have reality in our faces. And we can deal with that. There is something so hard about uncertainty. Gail has removed that in a way...granted, she isn't God!!!

While Doc MAY end up being ok for trails, us choosing to let that hope go and pressing on with what we have right now will enable us to begin to enjoy these precious guys that have been entrusted to us--and even Doc more, too. Each time I am with him, I have a problem crying a bit...not just because I feel for him and his pain and want him set free from it, but also because of my own disappointment, and the fear of hoping for it all yet to come true. I am going to let go of the hope that he will be my partner on the trails. I had hoped I would grow old(er) with him... that we would be together most of the rest of my life and retire together. That is one reason I got a young horse, in fact. I figured when he was 30 and I was nearing 70 we might still be seeing the back country together.

It has to be ok now to let that particular dream die. If something happens that gives it life again, well, great. But for now I guess I will relish the wonderful cuddles I have with Doc out in the pasture, our times working on leading and simple ground exercises...and I will go ahead and schedule to have the exrays. God is teaching me so much through all of this...that much is certain.

Gail often speaks of the horse "relinquishing his thoughts" for the purpose of the human. I think that it is time for me to relinquish my thoughts for the purpose of this precious horse and for our family's sake.

I will continue to keep you updated. Who knows! The vet may see the exrays and say, "He needs some exercise now!" LOL! Wouldn't that be just like our Lord--no sooner do we surrender something that we have clung to, than he provides the greater blessing... and maybe that could be, but...all I know...I am letting go. There is peace in doing so.

October 18, 2003

I can't believe it.I write to you all about the doom and gloom...about facing the likely reality that Doc will be a pasture ornament all his life and...then this happens.

"Little" Mr. "I can't move cuz it hurts too much" was caught today. Dodger was stirring up trouble, as is his way. He may be low man on the totem pole, but he doesn't let the others forget his presence. Like a mosquito that won't stop harassing you, Dodger doesn't stop biting at the faces of others, taking pot shots to their bottoms when they roll and other funny behaviors that keep the other horses moving around some trying to chase him down! I can just hear Dodger singing "Neener Neener Neener! You ca-an't catch me!" He is really a jokester.

But this is about Doc, not Dodger!

The kids and I drove up in our car after running errands and who should I see face to face on the pad, but Doc and Dodger. Now, Doc is NEVER near Dodger by choice. So I knew this had to be something Dodger was up to. Doc and Breezy figure Dodger is there to pick on, nothing more and voluntarily picking on Dodger typically requires just too much energy.

I watched, closely. Sure enough, before either horse was distracted by our return home, Dodger nipped at Doc's face. Doc nipped at him back, ears pinned. Dodger did it again. (I have seen him go back and forth with Harley for 5 minutes doing this sort of thing...) It reminds me of "I know you are but what am I!" LOL!

Finally, Doc had had enough...he reared and struck out with a front hoof. But it didn't stop there...Dodger went for a nip again when Doc returned to the ground (keep in mind that Dodger is about a full 12 inches shorter than Doc!!) Doc returned to his hind legs, rearing to make another front foot strike. Nothing serious, just pawing of the air. His intent was clear...and so was one other thing...he was putting ALL his weight, even momentarily on his back legs...both of them.

So silly me. I am scratching my head, thinking "What is going on!" (It just occurred to me some of you are praying for this very thing!)

Doc lifted his head as he heard my approach and upon realizing it was, in fact, lunch time and, perhaps, not just a bit gleeful due to the fact that *lunch* meant Dodger would be distracted from being a pest any longer (Dodger never misses food), Doc burst forward, bucked, kicked his back feet...did some crow-hopping around the pad. The horses sometimes do this in the morning when it is breakfast time. (They do have alfalfa in their diets again...something that happened due to us getting a bad batch of grass hay and the supplier refusing to give us a refund...so we had to take the "refund in trade of another kind of hay from him instead...all he had was alfalfa.) They get about half of that and half of a grass hay in their diet. So, all that to say, they have energy to burn, I am sure.

Anyhow, Doc was VERY enthusiastic about lunch...more than I have ever even seen him be about breakfast...he ran around the pad a bit doing the little "Yay oh yay" kicks and hops and then flew threw the open gate, down to the pasture below where they get fed. The others really looked baffled. They hung out up on the pad for a bit as if scratching their heads and saying "Wonder what got into him?"

THANK YOU ALL FOR your prayers, your cheers! Maybe I just need to be emailing you all to ask for renewed prayer support instead of presenting my doom and gloom reports! But, truth be told, I think I am at peace now with whatever happens. I really am. I don't find myself crying around Doc as much...it is like I am accepting him as he is for what he can offer me in the present time.

Thanks so very much.

Later on same day...

More stinker! :-)

But this time, I had the privilege of watching how it all got started...and it was NOT Dodger that started it at all! It was Doc!

The four horses had finished lunch, leaving behind the morsels that were the most unsavory, I guess...Doc was the last one to finish eating...he is a big boy and requires loads of fuel with the dropping temps. He came up on the pad where the other three boys were just sorta *hanging* for their after lunch siesta. Doc wandered around some, got some water, got some loving from me and from Daniel...stood there for a minute...(evil wheels turning..."MOOO HOOO hahah!!!")

...then he moved with purpose over to Dodger to start something. Sure enough! DOC is the culprit! He started this little bite face game with Dodger and Dodger just played along! Dodger was falsely accused by me before! Doc got VERY full of himself and I could really see the youngster in him. It was funny. The others are all at least twice his age, though, Dodger doesn't act older than a colt most of the time. LOL!

But Doc would chase Dodger off, wander over to a pile of manure, smell it, then wander back to Dodger for some more bite face game. They would rear and paw at each other...then one of them would turn tail. (Doc only turned tail once.) Daniel and I watched with interest--and huge smiles on our faces!

Then Doc began to circle in the pad...going at a trot...he looked so incredibly stiff, but, again, full of himself!!! He kicked out and did some crow hops and Dodger came at him and they did the bite face again.

About this time, Harley, who had been standing there quietly with Breezy, decided he had had enough (probably of them kicking up dust for him to breathe!) and he started moving earnestly toward Dodger and Doc...the two naughty boys acted like they had been caught by the principal or something...they took off for the gate to head down below where they chased each other from one end of the forest to the other, did the bite face and rearing and then munched some more left over lunch.

So much for my theory that Doc never approaches Dodger willingly! Apparently, he has a play mate! LOL!

I had to share with you all that, apparently, Doc is still being a youngster in spite of having hocks of a 30 year old horse.

Thank you again for praying. Please PLEASE keep it up! This brought tears of joy to my eyes and hearing my son giggle was precious to me!

November 23, 2003

Um....it is my husband's fault.

I will back up first...I have been playing with Doc more lately. Since he is sprinting round and bucking and playing, including rearing and playing bite face with the others I figure he can't be feeling too terribly badly. He needs to have some standard for his behavior with humans and not ever working with him wasn't helping that a whole lot. So I started really applying myself to including him the past couple of weeks.

Last Thursday, when Gail was here for our lesson, she got to see Doc sprinting across the pasture down below. She said calmly, "Yeah, Heidi. There is a horse who is *really* in pain." (Did you feel the sarcasm dripping off of that?) She also told Doc, "Doc, if you keep looking that good, we will have to have a lesson with YOU!"

So this afternoon I decided to play with him some. It has been my thought that when the time is right, my daughter might be the one to ride him as he gets the strength to carry a rider again...in muscles in his back and legs and so on.

In any event, the thought of her being the first on him, though, when we know only that the last time that he was ridden he bucked his rider off, didn't make me feel too terribly good. I don't want her to get killed if we can avoid it. I wondered if there was some way to find out where Doc's thoughts might be about having a rider...

This evening I reviewed some things I have taught Doc...working on the back up command at the wiggle of the lead rope as well as head lowering and other things...But I haven't gotten him next to a mounting block in a couple of weeks and I wondered if he could remember. He did sure enough.

Then I began to wonder about getting on him. My husband was there working on our fence...and he must have read my mind. I was at a weak moment and as he saw me standing on the bucket with Doc right up next to me (he is still a long way up!) my husband taunted, "So why not just get ON him?"

Well, that was like throwing down the gauntlet. I had been laying over Doc..pressing my weight down on him a bit to see how he might react...all was met with the calmness of a young horse! LOL! He was alert but not concerned about *me*.

Since he was still too high up I took him over to the feeding trough and cued him to step near. He did...I rubbed him...and then.... .....you know I had to get on him. Yes, insanity struck but it is my husband's fault! LOL!

Yes, I did get on him.

Doc took a couple of steps. One ear cocked back to me, the other forward. Eyes were relaxed... and he didn't swish his tail or anything. He didn't seem alarmed, but I did have his attention. I got off right away.

Then, to sort of verify what I thought was his reaction, I led him away from the feeding trough, then back, I got up into it and he sided up to it again...knowing, now, what I intended. That seemed to be good news.

I got on again and got off after sitting for about 60 seconds. His front legs often appear like they are going to buckle just with his own weight...the front legs, which he stands most of his weight on, start trembling. I felt like his front legs were doing that trembling thing when I got on him and I hadn't noticed if they were doing it before. No matter. I decided that getting off right away would be good. He wasn't upset--today-- about having a rider, which is what I wanted to know.

We may have to try Michaela out on him, just leading him a bit to see what he thinks.

November 15, 2003
Gosh. Sorry, everyone, to leave you hanging about our big boy.

I was supposed to get in with him to see the surgeon for another follow up and radiographs, but the surgeon and I keep missing one another for scheduling an appointment. I was hoping to have the appointment before bombarding you with another email!!!

I will try super hard this week to get a hold of the vet, now that I have his cell phone number! LOL! By the time we get in to see him and have the radiographs, it will have been three months since Doc's last follow-up and five months since his surgery.

The weather has changed dramatically around here. We went from 80 degrees and sunny beautiful days to wet and rainy in the 50s for a high...within less than one week! The horses love the cooler air.

Most recently, Doc, Breezy and Dodger were put off the pad while the kids and I played with Harley. A storm was brewing and the three horses down below decided to race back and forth from one end of the pasture to the other...and this all in a hillside forest! Doc even kicked up his heels and gave it his best! He is still favoring his back right and Gail, our trainer, wonders if he has a bone chip that is floating around in there, but all in all, Doc is doing absolutely wonderfully well. He loves to run and play with the others and typically does.

Another thing about Doc that has really emerged recently is how curious he is. He wanders around touching everything with his lips, or licking things. It is pretty funny to watch. If someone is out there, he will always come up to them to check them out. He really will follow people around to watch what they are doing and to swipe some extra scratches on his chin or cheek!

He and Dodger continue to play "bite face," rearing and striking at one another and Doc typically wins those go rounds. They play even in the rain! The only horse Doc won't mess with is Harley and they have a good understanding of the pecking order now... all the horses are getting along really well. That's not to say that Doc doesn't appreciate it when Harley is separated out from the rest of them! He loves playing alpha! Each day, during "grain" time (it is a supplement feed--no real grain per say and very low in carbohydrates), Harley is put out because he needs to have less of the supplement than Doc and Breezy, who he will boss away if he has his way. During those times when Harley is put out, Doc really rises to his position as substitute alpha! LOL!

We have been experimenting with free feeding orchard grass hay and Doc loves having the freedom to eat all the time! Most of the time he can either be found with his head in the feeding trough munching away happily or with his head up, mane and forelock adorned with blades of hay cascading down the sides and front of his face! LOL! He is quite a sight! In moments like that he looks SO much like the youngster he is! Only five and acts every bit like a baby! LOL!

Doc recently began to act somewhat "mopey," as if he was feeling a bit "left out," if that is possible, when, twice each week I would have lessons with the other horses and never him. So, I began to take time to play with him in a structured way. He is leading much better for me now and I have taught him how to come up next to a mounting block too...for that day someday when we are ready to ride, but then again, I think we will need a forklift to get on him! LOL! He is so tall compared to the others!

Last week the farrier came. You may recall that last time, two months ago, all pandemonium broke loose-- everything from run away horses, to pre-adolescent youth (my son) chasing horses when he wasn't supposed to just because "they are pretty when they run." This time, the farrier visit was rather uneventful, I am GLAD to say! Doc had his front shoes and pads removed, all four trimmed up and so he is now without shoes completely and is getting along fine. He and the others spend most of their time on the graded pad area which has a sand footing now on a road gravel base to help with drainage (we live on 100% clay that doesn't behave nicely in the rain!!!).

I hope to take a current picture of him soon.(see below) He is looking so good--very filled out now! YAY!

Thank you to those of you who have written expressing concern that you hadn't heard from me about how Doc is doing. I just had hoped so much that I would have conclusive news about how he is doing regarding what the radiographs might show. So, if you wouldn't mind, I would appreciate your prayers that the surgeon and I could make contact and arrange an appointment and that it would just *happen* to be on a day when our trainer can go with me and when it isn't raining!!! I need those two--make that THREE-- miracles! LOL!

Thanks so much for your care and concern.

January 17, 2004

Look at how far we have come!

Gail, our amazing trainer, feels that Doc is moving very well. When asked to disengage his hindquarters, he can do so with ease and smoothness. It is possible that Doc's primary challenge is the hurdle of repeated movement over his life...that his mind is "grooved" so that he acts like a lame horse even if he isn't any longer.

He certainly romps like a sound horse with the others! What a blessing! Doc became my daughter's horse and Gail is working with Michaela to work on some things with this wonderful horse.

It is also possible that Doc was imprinted as a baby. He has many of the behaviors and attitudes that an imprinted horse has. He loves to be in our face and it takes a lot to send him off. It isn't a normal "rudeness" or "lack of manners" or what many horse people call "lack of respect." Doc just likes to be close.

We are enjoying him a bunch!